Updates

Wow. It's been awhile since I've been on this blog. For awile it was a great outlet for me, as I began dealing with the 'ego-work' that was coming up. What a journey I've been on these last 3 years! And while it has been often the hardest and most difficult thing, it's also been the source of so much wonderful growth for me. Looking back I can see how I've evolved and become stronger, more faithful, more at peace, happy, content. I'm still working on it, of course, but I am so grateful to my Heavenly Father for guiding me and challenging me on this path.
So, what's been happening the last year and a half? I'll start with a quick recap of 2010, a year that was very difficult emotionally and in my marriage. It was the make or break year, even more so than the previous year or two. But through it I got that my happiness and journey through this life need not be so influenced by where others are in their journey. And I got that I am not the reason for someone else's unhappiness. I could choose to be in it through thick and thin, not riding the fence, and even though it looked hopeless and bleak more often than not, that I could have faith that Heavenly Father had a plan for my life and that he saw all in one eternal now, trusting that everything would work out for good in the end. I gave up trying to make plans for my life (ie- when to have another baby) and just have faith that if I could be open to what was presenting in my life, I would be doing just what I needed to be doing at that time. On a side note- Dr. Oz said something that I've heard before about relationships during a show with his wife: 'I've been married to 4 women throughout our marriage. Every 7 years she changes'. I definitely think there is something to this. It was after 7 years of marriage that my stuff started to bubble up and be dealt with. I'm not the same woman I was when I was 22. It's a time to grow and shed your skin, evolving into something more, as we strive to become more like our Heavenly Father. Dr. Oz also said that men marry the woman they want for the rest of their lives, and then she changes, and the men get upset. Women marry the man as they want him to become and then he doesn't change. Haha. So true!
I want to talk about these last 6 months mostly- which might turn out to be a pretty significan shift for me. Last year during the spring/summer (and the previous year before that) I had been plagued with a random, unexplained injury in my foot that kept me from running. It even switched feet from one year to the next. Through my work with Steve, I truly felt that it wasn't an injury from running too much etc. It was stemming from stress in my life, usually fear or guilt stress. Well, last year, 2010, after struggling to get back to running through the summer, I ran a great half marathon (the Women's Running Half in November). I placed 2nd overall and PR'd by about 5 minutes. It was a big step for me. I ran faster than I thought I could and finished feeling like I could even do better. Then I had a good race at the Turkey Trot, again surpassing my time goal and feeling like I could go faster. Finally in Jan 2011 was the PF Chang's Half, 15th woman overall, 1st in my age group, and my PR of 1:24. Again, I felt strong and was thinking about seeing how much better I could be if I perhaps had a coach to guide me. Well, after thinking about this and really wantting to go after it, the Cross Country coach from Gateway Community College in Phoenix called me, recruiting me to run for him and a scholarship! I was shocked, part of me not believing that I could be that good. The thoughts of 'I'm 30 years old; I missed my chance in college, I'm a mom...' came but so did the idea that this could really be a possibility for me. I truly felt inspired by it; it was calling to me. So I said I'd do it. I met with the coach, signed my letter of intention and geared up for early morning workouts and a season of training and racing on a team with a coach. He told me what he saw in my potential and even mentioned working toward qualifying for the Olympic Trials Marathon over the next few years! Wow, I couldn't believe it, but why not? That was the theme for the beginning of the year. Why not? Maybe now was the time. And it was worth the drudgery of waking up at 4, driving into Phoenix for practice, and racing like I've never raced before. I was so excited. Then, after the first week of coach's training schedule- BAM! Another foot injury. No joke, within a few days of the injury coming up last year, and the year before, it came up again this year. It could not be a coincidence. And it was not a coincidence that the Monday before the injury, in my session with Steve, we got into the issue of intimacy and my struggles with letting that wall down. I was devestated and frustrated and disappointed. I wasn't sure how long it would take to heal (10 weeks off and I'm just starting to run a couple miles every other day!), if I would be able to run the XC season as I had planned, or why the heck this was happening after I felt so guided and inspired that this was the path opening up for me and that I should take it. More work with Steve, a couple weeks of being down and depressed because I didn't have my running, dealing with my body issues and the panic that came with a few extra pounds, biting the bullet and opening up to intimacy again with Clint (which I thought was the reason for my injury, but maybe just a part of it), my foot still not getting better (so then what was the muscle testing?? It said my foot was hurt because of fear stress, fear of intimacy, I tried that it didn't work), relationship takes a small step forward and then seems to go back, still trying to have faith and trust the process...it's only June and so far it's been quite a ride. But I had another shift last week. While I'm trying to figure out and plan what the end of the year will look like, whether I'll be able to run XC, or will it wait till next year (I still want to work to develope my running and am open to taking it to the next level), I came upon the possibilty of having another baby. What?? That has been on hold for the last 3 years. Not the right time, need to work on our marriage first, because we might not even last...And of course it's been on hold since I had gotten into training mode. I was ready to run and train, now I'm thinking about pausing to have a baby? And while I may be there, Clint is not at the same place. But that's okay. I'm open to it and wherever it leads. Maybe to a baby, maybe to a new door opening up. But I have felt more content and at peace, connected with my heart/self the past couple of weeks. I've started going to Bikram yoga, which I've wanted to do for so long, and helps me find balance, energy, clarity like I get from running. I love it. I've started on the slow climb back into running after a stress reaction, patiently, usually:) And I don't know what lies in store over the next 6 months. But I'm open. I'm open to the possibilites. I'm open to being loving and caring and accepting in my marriage, no matter what comes from the other person. I'm feeling more energy, evern without all of my running. I'm grateful for the trials I've had. They stink, are SO hard, not fun, but again, I can look back and see the growth from them and see the wisdom in the plan. And I'm ready to keep on this journey, although I might have my down times, I know I'll come back up and be better as I keep enduring. And I have been going to the temple every week, mostly, as I drop Brailyn off at preschool, and I love how peaceful I feel there and as I leave. It just brings the feeling into my life on a regular basis, and I know it is the source of Spiritual guidance and strength. I am so grateful for the opportunities I've had, for my work with Steve, and that my mom has helped me financially be able to do that. I'm grateful for the Gospel, for the scriptures, for the temple, for my Heavenly Father and the Savior, their love and guidance and plan for me. I'm striving for that oneness with them, that rest in the Lord, the peace that comes from attaining perfection in Christ. I believe I can have it, and that is what I'm hoping for and hope for my family.
Some books that I've really like reading about our Spiritual journey and how to make the most of it-
"A Blessing Hitherto Unknown" by Max Skousen
"Light in the Wilderness" by M. Catherine Thomas
"Loyalty to Your Soul" by H. Ronald Hulnick and Mary R. Hulnick

Thanks.

I've been thinking, and I think that it's time that I make this blog primarily my journal, not a forum for sharing my journey anymore. I'm so grateful that I've been able to express myself in this way, opening up, learning to share and be vulnerable. It really has been a good thing. But I think I'm to the point now, where I don't need it as much or as such. I think it might be good for me to continue to write about my journey, my thoughts, my feelings. But completely give it free reign. While this blog did start out as that, I needed to scale back a little because of other(s) insecurities, (mis)interpretations, or opinions. It may sound like I was giving in to what I was trying to overcome- the caretaker role, the protecting other's feelings role etc- but I don't think that's what I've been doing, nor what I'm going to do. I've already kind of cut back on my posts, although I have still been writing in my personal journal. I dont' know, maybe I'll change my mind again. And maybe it's after reading this month's Ensign that I feel it's time to make this blog completely private. I don't think at all that it's been wrong or inappropriate thus far. But maybe there is more that needs to be said that I am holding back. Perhaps if it was just for myself I could really get out all that needs to come out. So thanks to old and new readers who've been supportive and encouraging. I hope that reading this blog has been more than just a voyeuristic curiosity (and if so, that's totally fine with me), but maybe got some thoughts going, some introspection started, and some insight into that journeys that we're all on and striving to get through. I truly have been grateful for those who've been truly supportive and it at least gives me a sense of being heard and somewhat understood. Perhaps it's just time that I graduated to actually voicing my thoughts to someone instead of just writing them down. That's my new challenge, and I think I can tackle it just as I've tackled the other hard stuff come my way. So here's to the journey and creating joy and happiness in life!

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our Light, not our Darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, "who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?" Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God; your playing small doesn't serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us. It is not just in some of us, it is in everyone and as we let our own light shine we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear our presence automatically liberates others."

Marianne Williamson

What the Hell?!?

This past week has been crazy. Crazy, crappy, and just sucky. I don't know what it is but as soon as I got home from a lovely vacation it's like, BAM, walls up, swords are drawn and the arrows are flying. Spent Monday through Thursday trying to just function amid lashing out. And I was already down in the first place. Whatever. Is it really supposed to keep on like this? How much more? And how much more should I take? I'm sure the same can be asked of me, but come on. I don't think I'm hurtful or angry or spiteful. I just struggle with down times and some pretty dark places, but it's all about me and my own stuff I'm trying to work through. Thanks for the support.
Anyway, feeling a little better since my session on Thursday, but I guess still a little leary/wounded/unsure of what to do. Which direction to go in? Is there a point when enough is enough? You know, the whole definition of insanity thing. As I'm trying to heal me and make myself whole and feel powerful and happy in my own skin, sometimes I feel like I'm just setting myself up for some sucker punches. Why the hell do I keep doing it? I think there's light at the end, but what if that's just a bunch of crap and I'm being naive or falsely opptimistic (ha! I'm really not that at all deep down. If you could hear what goes on in my head...)
Yeah, I'm just kinda at a loss for words right now. Reeling, spinning, trying to get my bearings. At least I'm not dealing with the really dark parts that hated Malia, hated happiness, hated my life. At least those have been lifted. Maybe that can clear the way for some REAL light and happiness and hope. Hope. I need that.

Catch Up

It's been awhile, but that doesn't mean I haven't been continuing to make more breakthroughs. So I'll try to recap on the last month.

I've again/still been working on lifting the wall from my physical/body/lower energy center. I've just been shut down from really all feeling. I've always been pretty cognitive anyway, and I'm trying to learn how to let my physical self be expressed and heard more. One way that I've been shutting down my body is with running and with food. Again, big disclaimer. I know when you see me you see a pretty fit/thin/lean/in shape girl who runs and eats more healthy than pretty much anyone I know. Well, there's a reason for that. I do love to run. And I know I love to run for good reasons. But often times, and especially over the past 2 weeks, I use running as a way to discipline/punish myself. I see my body for work. I have a training plan, I have goals to reach, and I push my body to do the work to adhere to those plans and goals. That can be good if the end result is a race or a PR etc. But right now, I really don't have anything lined up. So running has become a way to keep my other desires for indulgence (sweet tooth anyone?) at bay and contained. If I didn't keep my cravings/indulgences/desires contained then I would just become a blimp and lazy and unmotivated and undisciplined. So if I give in one day and have a few cookies or eight (yeah, I can eat a lot:)) I will then have to punish myself and work harder the next day at running, cycling, eating clean/healthy/disciplined until I feel that my body is where I want it to be again. What sucks is that I am not satisfied very often. Either my sweet tooth will overpower my not-so-iron will again, or I'll be exhausted and burned out and struggle to find the motivation to run hard. Then I'll get depressed and hate myself, feeling the need to punish again, and the whole lovely cycle repeats. Yuck, right? I obviously need to work on accepting my body as it is, appreciating it for all that it can do, loving it's athleticism/strength/speed/endurance and treat it kindly. But I also want to do better at treating my self kinder. Not punish myself for feeling or enjoying or indulging or being human. And this all goes for things besides food and running. I've shut down this part of me so that ultimately, I don't have to feel any pain. Or take on and feel the pain of others. But it just leaves me swinging back and forth between extremes. Will I still want to run and train and eat healthy? Of course, but I will hopefully allow my sweet tooth to indulge herself sometimes, and hopefully as I am more in tune with my body, I won't go so overboard in the first place, thus avoiding the temptation to punish and discipline. So I had 3 or 4 chocolate chip cookies on Wed. I enjoyed them, but I didn't want to have anymore (GASP) and I also didn't feel bad. And today, while I'm in Del Mar, CA with my mom and Brailyn, I went for a run. No set distance, no pace calculating, just running along the road, up and down some hills, until I felt like going back. I ended up running more than I had secretly planned and probably had a pretty good pace too. But what a change from the past couple of weeks. I was running because I wanted to. I saw the other runners yesterday and just could wait to join them. And I don't even mind so much that it wasn't on my training schedule. So hopefully I can continue doing this. I know it's not smooth sailing from here on out. There will probably be some back lashes or temporary regressions as I practice this shift, but in the end I think I will be happy, complete, healed in all areas of my being, and most of all, the whole reason I even started this whole journey instead of continuing to stuff it down, I can be a great mom to my little girl and give her the healthiest and happiest start to her own life journey.

That's It??

Well, kind of a big breakthrough, I guess, in my last session. My wall is down. I guess I should say, "Halleluiah" or something, but it just seems so anti-climactic. But I'll get to that in a second.

Lately I've been feeling very run down, wanting and dreaming so very badly of a wonderful week away in the mountains. On my own little running vacation. I've looked at different running camps online, fantasized about indulging, and then get whipped back into 'reality' with thoughts of 'we can't afford it right now' or 'maybe next year'. Still, the feeling or needing to get away persists. I need to take care of myself. I have my running, but maybe that's not enough right now. What is it that keeps me from nurturing myself? What is it inside that resists any sort of self-nourishment, replenishing, restoration, from something I love (running), someone I love, or (gulp) even from the Savior, the source of all nourishment? It's like there is this semi-permeable membrane around my being, only allowing energy to flow out of me- the ultimate mother/martyr instinct. But it won't let ANY energy, good or bad, come in, protecting me in some way from anything harmful, but also keeping me from being uplifted and fed. We named it the PRIDE MEMBRANE, and it goes back as much as 5 generations. Years and years of not needing any help from anybody/I can take care of myself while not really taking care of myself. Initially it's purpose was to keep me from leaking out/running dry, but the true/deeper purpose was to keep everyone/everything out. Well, letting go of this pride membrane will make me available and open to receive nourishment from Jesus Christ and from the Holy Ghost.
(side note: looking back through my whole church experience, I can see how this membrane manifested itself. there were only a few times while I was playing the piano for the choir that I think I really was touched by the Spirit. funny how it is music that can sometimes break through that barrier...)

So, back to the wall. With this membrane went the wall, and I was a little disappointed that it wasn't more difficult. No real challenge that was conquered (a-hem). So we then got to deal with my need for a challenge to overcome (funny- I thought that being a perfectionist I avoided challenges that could lead to failure. Maybe I just wanted challenges that I new could be met) The wall was an automatic response to keep me detached/protected/isolated, and now that it is gone, I have choice. I can choose to be nurtured/fed or not. So this week I'm choosing to be nurtured, in my prayers asking for it, and with my friends (going out to lunch or movies), and even planning weekend trip to run a 1/2 marathon in Vegas with my sister. No husband. No daughter. It may seem selfish, but it's not. It will make me more capable of taking care of my family.

Finally, dealt with a little misery. In the past, parts of me have sought after, even loved misery. It's what I inherited, it's what I deserved, it's all that I'd known. I even played into the role in my marriage. "why are you always so miserable? can't you just have fun?" Part of me resisted that, but part of me believed it and continued it. Well, released my 'role' of the outward expression of other's misery. That's not me, not who I am. Leave them to their own lives and miserableness.

Running on Empty

WANTED: a vacation. time for just me. to get away. to reconnect. to run. to relax. to recharge.

Some good insights this week.
1) letting go of those resisting, opposing, afraid of truly connecting with and being intimate with Malia. finding ways to nurture and nourish ME, relinquishing the role of caretaker.
2) being a good mother doesn't mean sacrificing myself or my own nurturing to give my daughter more than i had. even when i am doing it out of love, motherhood, and all that is/seems right/righteous, it really is just an excuse to not have to check in with my self and do things for myself. letting go of this self-sacrificing idea of motherhood will lead to peace within myself, acceptance of myself, just a nice comfy-coziness within. ahhhhhh.
3)i keep fantasizing about a running vacation somewhere in the mountains where i can just go and relax, run, read, repeat. but do i think i can actually have it?? of course not. see #1 and 2. well, why the hell not? running is something that i do that gives me that energy, retreat, motivation, nourishment, self-intimacy. so i should do all that i can to give myself this gift, right? enough of the guilt trips- we can't afford it. we're saving for a house/a piano (which is another one of my fantasies to come true). we're already wanting to go to disneyland. clint's going on a football trip, so there's no moola left for me (which has brought to surface much of this stuff). and why do i seem to be the only one sacrificing or stepping up to the plate? well, maybe that's just how it plays out because i don't take a stand for the other. huh.
4) the wall is more about keeping me in rather than keeping others out. it still does the latter, but it's big obligation is to keep me from leaking out and running dry. i've mentioned the caretaker role many times before. it's my "pain body" (echart tolle), the viral response that gets triggered whenever someone is demanding of me, or possibly going to hurt me. it's automatic. i just make sure everyone else's needs are met, feelings aren't hurt, pain is subsided. my pain? my needs? my feelings? no, they don't exsist. well, the wall is trying to keep at least part of me, my true self, from disappearing or running thin. it's time to keep working on giving up this stupid caretaker role and start tuning into that part of me that is truth, light, divine, Malia.

Freedom, Part II

I think I've posted a little about freedom before. Obviously still working on being free from the ties of my past and the roles I've been playing/given/being. So today I'm feeling better. The past week was full of exhaustion, wanting to sleep all day, defeat, sadness, resistance, and just blah. But after this week's session I'm feeling much better. Why you might ask? Well, because I'm no longer the bleepin' scapegoat, that's why!! HOLY CRAP! (sorry if I get a little heated in my typing, but this is just me being pissed at the craziness and throwing it in the trash where it belongs)
So, as I think I've dealt with before, but obviously still working on getting completely cleared up, I've been taking the blame my whole life. Blame for other's sadness/pain/unhappiness. Blame for my parent's divorce. Blame for my other parent's marrital problems. Blame for my own struggles in marriage. Well, guess what. I'm not your freaking scapegoat!! And I'm not going to keep playing that role, either. Just deal with it. I'm tired of it. It's not my job to make you happy or life easy. It's not my job to be the reason why you're not happy or why life is hard. Some people may read this and say, "well, duh!" But for me, this is what I became. And I played the scapegoat to survive. I did it so that I could maybe fix it by being the perfect child, the perfect student, the perfect wife (hah!) Well, lately I've been relinquishing it bit by bit, refusing to be the perfect fill-in-the-blank if it's not what I wanted.
Let me tell you, being the scapegoat is a huge load to carry, and it REALLY wears you down. Case in point, my exhaustion. And have I ever mentioned the wall that I have going on around my heart? Yeah, that thing again. And the flip side to this role is the part of me that just wants to flip everyone off and go do whatever the hell I want to do. Hopefully, though, as I'm letting this go I can find the balance of being free from this crappy role and being clear as to what my role in life really is. Right now, being the best momma I can. Creating a Heavenly Home for my family, and working on leading my family to eternal life.

So to recap: I am not a scapegoat. I'm not making anyone be miserable. I'm just trying to work through my own crap so that I can be a healthier, happier, whole and complete person. I completely acknowledge that life right now is really hard. I'm working through some pretty tough shit and it's leaving me wiped out. Plus, what I do have left is going straight to the one person who actually does depend on me for her life and happiness right now. My daughter. But I also completely acknowledge that I WILL get through this, and when it's all said and done, things will have shifted for the better. So I'm hanging in there. Despite the storms that come, the gaskets bursting, the pure hell sometimes, I'm still here. I'm still shooting for that happy ending. Hope you're there to enjoy it with me.

The Bull is Out

I DO NOT WANT TO DO THIS!! Geez, just when I think I've worked through whatever crap I received/inherited/absorbed from my early childhood and the craziness of my parent's divorce, new marriage, etc. BAM! Nope, here it comes up again. And my whole insides are screaming, trying to run the other way, stubbornly refusing to acknowledge any trouble, willing it to be alright, ANYTHING to avoid having to talk about it again. So I guess that answers the assumption. I'm not done working through this and I absolutely HAVE to deal with this. It's not a choice as maybe some other things might be. This is so crucial that I don't have any choice in the matter. For my well being. But even more than that, which is the purest motivating factor, for the well being of my child/children. I don't want her inheriting any of this and having it affect her life. SO, it's up to me to do MY work, and be a good momma for her. The having joy and fullfillment for my self is secondary, like most mothers I guess.

So today I'm all tight and knotted inside. There are these really, really stubborn parts of me trying with all their might to fight this. But I know that I need to do this. I need to hear it all, find out exactly what happened, what was going on, so I can see how it's affected me now and then deal with it. Kick it's trash to the past and get over it! I'm rather pissed that I have to do this, that there is this crap to deal with. But that's just what is so, can't change it, just work through it. So I'm definitely feeling my 2 year old today. It's always there, running my life, (until I can clear it up) but today it's really superficial.

Next challenge is to sit down and talk it out with my mom, moderated of course, but to just hash it out and hear the gory details. I'm scared shitless I think. But I'll do it, just like I did last year. That's a little why I'm pissed too. Didn't I do all this last year and was brave/courageous/overcame? And I have to do it again? Open up those wounds once more? I thought I was just starting to heal. I'll just have to have faith that I don't know it all, there is a higher purpose, and this will only make me stronger, assuming I don't die in the process.
This is me sarcastically giving a thumbs up...

More Wall

I know, I know. Still this dumb wall. Well, again, it's been there my whole life, so it's going to be a big thing to figure out. Had an interesting conversation about it this week. Here's how it went.

Our bodies have different types of energies, energy centers etc. There's your mind, higher-level energy, your heart center, which is where God speaks to us, and then there are the more physical energies, from our diaphragm down. The lower energies, and some, namely myself, feel/believe that these energies are not good. But in reality, that is where life begins, it is where the womb is, creation (a divine power), and maybe for me, that's where vulnerability is. To bring in Adam and Eve, Adam can symbolize the mind/head, God is the heart center, and Eve is the womb, lower body/from the diaphragm down. The Eve part of our bodies can follow the Adam part, as long as it/he is following the God/heart part. So my wall is a big cement block dividing my upper body from my lower body, higher energies from the lower energies. I am definitely more comfortable living in Adam's realm, and am trying to open up the heart realm more and recognize it more. But Eve is shut down. I can go through and explain how this came to be for me, but I'm sure many have felt the same at some point. We should strive for higher spiritual learning, put off the natural man, be focused on the things of God. All that is true, but we cannot be only half human. We need to keep the whole energy system in balance, otherwise something will leak out somewhere. I can see that happening in my family. And I've been really trying hard to keep my focus on the higher energy systems, not even recognizing anything else. But that's not good, not healthy. I just don't know how to fix it or get through this barrier. So this week I'll be pondering this a bit more and maybe get some more insight. I'm still going to try to have the Heavenly Home, go to the temple more and invite the Spirit. I'm going to need all the help I can get.

Still, I feel so mentally overwhelmed as it is. Lots of things on my 'figure out' plate: do we buy a home? what can we afford? do we buy or lease a new car? or fix the old piecer? should i start on my physical trainer studies and try to get a job in a few months? and of course the mother of all things to figure out- how to connect with me, husband, others and have this big breakthrough. Yeah, I feel like something needs to be solved before I can add anything more to the list. So anyone want to do home research for me and tell me what I should do??

And just a note of frustration: I can't take anymore leakage. These outbursts from Clint are driving me crazy. I get where they're coming from, and recognize them for what they are, but really. Can we get a bit more maturity or calmness or patience in here so that there isn't so much anger, frustration and just stupid bickering? But perhaps I'm trying to force the issue, when I can't. Stop being willful, I willfully tell myself:)

Be Ye Therefore Spiritually Minded

I've been in a bit of a slump again this week. After finally being able to run again a little bit, lo and behold my OTHER dang foot gets hurt. Same type of pain- plantar fasciitis most likely. Seriously, what is the deal? So not being able to run obviously gets me down, although I'm trying to see the positive side. Something has to be trying to tell me something. Taking away my running is sure to get my attention. So what is it I'm supposed to be learning? What am I supposed to stop running away from? What's the lesson here? Maybe this is a cry from the knowingness of my heart, my true self, the light within, spirit. Perhaps it's struggling to come out from behind this wall and make itself known. I have a hard time realizing when I've been present to this knowingness. My mind is always the dominant one, constantly thinking/reasoning/trying to figure it out. I thought that running allowed me some respite from my brain, but maybe not. At least not lately.

I've been reading this wonderful book: "Light in the Wilderness" by M. Catherine Thomas. Great insights into the spiritual journey of Man and how to tune in to the Spiritual Mind, drawing closer to light, truth, Christ, God, godhood, eternal life...So this has been going around in my brain. I think it's time for me to climb up to the next level of spirituality. Really try to uncover the truth and light that is within me. Develop my spiritual mind. But I still felt stuck this week. I don't know what to do about this wall. I know kind of what will be the evidence of the wall coming down; where it will manifest. But that's not really what it is truly about. Most of my life I've been really willful, determined to make it work out the way I think it should, how it's supposed to even righteously speaking. Get married in the temple, keep the commandments, go to church, pay tithing and you'll get blessings, right? Yet I'm resisting doing what others want me to do. Started in college after I finally realized (my knowingness) that I didnt' want to go to med school. That wasn't my dream, it was everyone elses. So I broke down. Burned out. Dropped out. Lately I've resisted the expectations of others again: to have another baby, get this job or that, finish your degree, Malia. Ulimately though, I've been resisting or trying not to be available to learn what Heavenly Father wants me to do. The wall really keeps my knowingness locked up and hard to decipher. So how do I let it out? I think for one, I'm going to try to have a more Heavenly Home (this months Ensign) and go to the temple more (I went today and didn't feel the anxiety I have in the past). Maybe this will give me space to turn off my mind and turn on my heart. Or maybe turn up the volume.

Some other things I've been thinking:
I re-read the whole Twilight series. I really have identified with these characters. And after reading Breaking Dawn I think I figured out why. I really am Bella, or that's what I'm trying to. But vampire Bella: strong, powerful, mother, the heroine (not damsel in distress anymore), and finally able to recoginize, control and lift her shield (my wall). There's also a part of me really identifying with Edward, but afraid of the Edward inside me; afraid of the passion, beauty, power. Actually I think the Edward side of me is well developed in the sense that I'm very controlled, disciplined, get-it-done, protective. I need to somehow allow the other side of the wall, the anger/rage, to come out. This side of the wall is stoic and disconnected, from my self/my heart/my knowingness. The other side is where the light and truth is; where I will find the power to connect and breakthrough. But I don't know who to do that. How do I let the emotional, powerful, vulnerable, connected Bella come out? Again, more exercise for my brain. I'm hoping and praying that my heart will give me the answers. I know that I'll break through the wall. I know it will happen. I just don't know when or how quite yet. And I hope that Clint can be patient. I fear, sometimes, that he can't.

More Deconstruction

I'm still working on getting pieces of this mashuganah (sp?) wall down. But had some interesting insights this week. To preface: Ask anyone who knows me how they would describe me and I wouldn't be surprised if they identified me as "the fit/healthy/hard- bodied/runner girl". It's been like this since high school. I was always lean and athletic, thanks to growing up involved in gymnastics and swimming and then running in high school. And I did not like this attention/label. It made my uncomfortable. For one, I didn't really have a great body image anyway (and I'm still working on that). Needing to be perfect, I tended to focus on my flaws, as most women do I think. Also, I just plain didn't want to be noticed. Go away world and leave me alone. So being noticed for my legs, muscles, lean body by others made me even more self conscious, more body conscious and critical, than I already was.

I've often wondered how I came to be this way. I've mostly just assumed it was part of my perfectionist tendencies. But I think a lot of it stems from before I was even born. (NOTE: the following is in no way blaming or criticizing. I'm just observing what happened.) It is so true that mothers have the biggest role in developing their daughters body image/eating habits/self esteem. From what my mom has shared with me, she gained only 15 pounds, maybe less, with me. I was 5 1/2 pounds, full term. I've gathered that she was VERY controlling of her weight while she was pregnant with me, often influenced by my dad. So needless to say, I was intricately involved with those thoughts/conversations/beliefs etc while in utero. It's no doubt that has influenced how I am now. Just a little borderline obsessive/controlling/unhealthy relationship with food and my body. I like to be fit/lean/in shape. It makes me feel good. It's something I can do well/control/separate myself from the world with. Interesting. It even builds up the wall more. I didn't accept my body as my own. Yet I was constantly thinking about/doing things to make it better. Don't get me wrong, my emphasis on whole nutrition and good exercise are healthy. And running is something that is so good for me, for anyone. I just sometimes will get a little too focused or critical with myself, which is the unhealthy part.

So this week we delved into this a little more than last week (I was upset at myself for my lack of control over anything baked. mmmm.) I learned that my wall has a foundation based in a physical realm. Not an emotional/mental realm that I thought it was. (this is based on Schwartz Internal Family Systems characters of Exiles(wounded, vulnerable, helpless) Managers (perfectionist, keep in line, shoulds) and Firefighters (physical, acting out parts). There is this constant pushing against each other between my firefighter wall and my managers. I'm having a hard time explaining it. But it was really interesting. So letting go of one of those, the managers, will get rid of the resistance (think of two fists pushing together. take one away and there's no more resistance). So I'm hoping that these little releases will keep breaking down pieces of this wall. I won't be so uptight about myself, will hopefully have more acceptance of my body. And it is MY body. Not anyone else's. And I can share it with whomever I CHOOSE, WHEN I choose (this was another insight from this week).

This probably won't make any sense as I read this later on, but hopefully I can refresh myself on the whole Cast of Characters theory and understand it again.

Possibilities created: Acceptance

Memories

I'm sure many of you know about Brite Music. If not, email me and I can actually give you info. I love the stuff, and grew up with it. Brailyn loves it too, especially "Take Your Hat Off...". Anyway, we started listening to the Safety Kids Cd this week and I had a sudden realization/memory about one of the songs: "Stay outside of My Line or I'll tell on you..." It's supposed to be about having personal space boundaries and keeping others from your body.

Stay outside of my line or I'll tell on you,
for there are some things that are mine alone.
Stay outside of my line I have feelings too.
Let me give you some advice.
You'll never cross it twice.
So stay outside of my line or I'll tell on you.


I remember being in my driveway, drawing a chalk line around myself and singing this song. I was probably in first grade. Just singing this song to myself and drawing a line around me. It's a vivid memory that I've always had, I suddenly got an insight into what my mind/body/spirit actually heard it to mean. I was bringing into my 6 year old consciousness the physicality, if you will, of my wall. To me the song was about drawing the wall around me to keep the world out, to keep me from getting hurt emotionally/mentally, not physically. No wonder that song always resonated more with me. Anyway, I've just been thinking about that lately. I know Brailyn has a completely different childhood and therefore will experience this CD differently from me, hopefully just enjoying the catchy songs and learning a little about personal safety. And I'm so grateful for that. No little girl deserves to fun kids songs trigger emotional scars from early childhood. But hey, that's life and I'm grateful that I have been able to work through so much of this. Still trying to get that wall down. It will when it's ready. Probably won't be very climactic, but it will be significant for me and my life. I'll be open to the world, ready to experience it fully and let myself be connected for once.

One other thought: I don't have to use my identity as a healthy person to further isolate myself from the world. It's just a label that I use to keep that wall up and also to battle the negative thoughts that go through my head about myself. Don't worry, I'm still going to be this way, just not so OCD about it. Nor will I beat myself up so much for "sabbotaging" myself aka: being human, not perfect.

I need some Xanax or something. Some things just make me nervous.

Things are still going well. Progressing, however slowly. I hope to be runnging a couple of miles on Monday. I'm still working on this wall. Letting go this belief that I have that people are mean, and mean to me. So why would I want to open up/be vulnerable? Besides it just proves my point: I'm not good. So be gone mean ones. That freedom is looking, well, freeing, and I'd like some of that please.

Free To Run

Bricks are slowly coming down. Baby steps, but there is a breakthrough on the horizon. Even if it ends up being anticlimactic, this is a huge shift for me. It began with becoming whole and complete within myself; Malia being okay with Malia. Now the work is to take the whole and complete me and learn how to interact/connect/be in the world around me; get this dumb, isolating wall down. And this wall is such a user. It even uses something that is good (my natural ability/affinity/love for/need to run) to keep itself and all it's stupid bricks in place. Yep, as I've been unable to run the past month due to a foot injury, I've had to deal with, again, the negative thoughts and conversations that go on in my head about myself. How I'm just getting out of shape, I'm lazy, not good if I'm not running, self consciousness, poor body image, don't know what to do to have a good day if I can't run stuff. It's just this stupid wall trying to manage these "exiles", these bad guys/negativities/rackets. It's not my true self. My true self just wants to run and be free to run, so quit sabbotaging it! Quit getting injured all the time! Sheesh. Hopefully as this wall comes down it will crumble this 3 o'clock manager dude that is really screwing up a good thing that I have in my life. So here's to freedom: freedom to run, freedom to be happy, freedom to connect, freedom to be me!